The Dirty Cricket Show Episode 7

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Baby Eaters

Low on ideas Jeph let's Dane take the show into his tender hands

More random thoughts.

I like to describe the way foods taste by taking a noun that is not a food and adding the letter “y” to the end of it. For example, “This gin tastes quite piney” or “This egg salad tastes quite molestery.”

People are opposed to condoms for strange reasons, but mine may be the oddest. I fear males may evolve to have condom like foreskins. It would make circumcision mandatory; because it would be impossible urinate, much less reproduce, with a foreskin condom penis.

I am bothered when pedestrians who are walking in the middle of the street wave you on as to say, “You have my permission to drive around me.” The last time this happened the pedestrian was the walkin’, smokin’, lawn mowin’ retard of my neighborhood. I’m sure yours has one too. He stopped and waved me on while standing in front of my drive way. I clearly had my turn signal on. I wonder if this developmentally disabled man had finally given up on life. For you see, this was the first time I had seen him smoking. Maybe he was waving me on in a gesture that said, “I’m calling it quits. Just run me over!” Of course at the slow velocity one goes when turning into an uphill, narrow driveway it would not have been enough to kill him. So, the lesson of this story is if you try to convince someone out of suicide don’t say, “Even a retard can kill themselves. You’re taking the easy way out.” Not true I say, not true.

I was in a restaurant the other day and this woman kept on wantonly using the word retarded as an adjective. This flagrant use of the word retarded might offend some people. People often will say, “Hey, you shouldn’t just use the word retarded like that. I’m very offended because someone in my family had developemental disabilities. My (insert relative) was retarded.” Unfortunately this isn’t the case with all people though. However, I found away around that. “You shouldn’t say retarded. My president is retarded.”

Addressing me by an old nickname I don’t remember going by such as “creepy” then proceeding to tell me you’re getting drunk because you’re so happy you just got out of prison after serving a 14 month sentence for assaulting the dude with a deadly weapon who fucked your mom one week after your dad’s funeral is a sure fire way to be dropped from my buddy list. God, I hope that guy doesn’t read this.

No one past the age of 10 says the word pussycat earnestly. If they do say pussycat they’re just looking for an excuse to say pussy. So, really, no mature human being says the word pussycat.

I think Asian women can be attractive. However, women who are obviously of European descent, but somehow look Asian creep me the fuck out.

I want to set up a camp that would be like a fat camp, but only for kids with ADD, ADHD, and just general problems paying attention. There would be activities for the children to help them to learn to focus. However, for the life of me I can’t think of what to call the place but a concentration camp. I shared these thoughts with a couple of married friends. One of my friends got upset. She wasn’t offended, but she said she had already had a similar idea for a T-shirt. The front would say, “Adolf’s Fat Camp” and the back would read, “Lose the weight… Concentrate!”

One day I joined match.com because it was 5 in the morning. I was tired of watching videos on the net and didn’t want to go to the same 3 websites I visit over and over again. I was bored so I thought, “What the hell… why not?” One of the things you do for the website for your profile is put a headline next to your picture. My headline now is a Groucho Marx quote which Woody Allen quoted in the beginning of one of his movies. I had to change it after my original caption of, “Who wants a whoopin’?” was rejected.

On a scale from 1 to 5 with 1 being strongly disagree and 5 being strongly agree I would give the statement “I would like to raise the Rensis Likert from dead for the sole purpose of murdering him again,” a 6. Seriously… that guy was an asshole.

Why is it, do you think, that other countries aren't having the same problems with illegal Mexican immigrants? It's just further proof that America is the greatest country in the world. Some geographers and cartographers may tell you there are different reasons for the influx of these illegals, but I’ve always had a sneaking suspicion of those particular professions loyalties to our country. Why do we need maps of other places that aren’t America anyway?

I call people who only go to church at Christmas egg-nog-stics… and sinners.

I find that telemarketers and Evangelical Christians are very similar to telemarketers. We live in a nation that is fully aware with the basic teachngs of Christianity for the most part. When Evangelical Christians try to convert you they’re either trying to sell you shit that don’t want or already have.

I love to piss, but I hate to shit. Pissing is like a little vacation, but shitting is like extra work that you don’t get paid for.

I know Karate is a noun, but I love when it is used as a verb. Like if someone were to say, “I go to drug stores and wait for old ladies to pick up their prescriptions. When they step up to me I Karate their bitch asses!”

Upon exiting work one day I noticed all my co-workers cars wouldn’t start due the cold winter weather. I have never had this problem even though my car is older than most of my co-workers’ cars. I think it’s because I pretend that my car has friends and family and I have threatened their lives if my car happens to fuck up on me. My car has never failed me. Ah, the power of positive thinking. The one exception is my computer. I know why. No matter how much shit you threaten your computer with it knows a lot more dirty secrets about you then you do about it. Your computer has you by the balls.

My friend was smoking outside a bar one night and a homeless lady tried to bum a cigarette off him. He lied and said he did not have another cigarette. This is one case where lying is the polite thing to do instead of saying, “I have 3 left, but they’re mine so go away.” People always try to bum cigarettes on the street, but that never happens with anything else. “Hey, that a nice ham sandwich there. You think I can bum one off you?”

There is a local shopping plaza that you will often be approached by drunks for spare change with sob stories. They need money for gas or something is their excuse. I plan to keep a bottle of Jack Daniels in my car for now on. “I don’t have any spare change, but here’s a bottle of bourbon. Maybe you can sell it.”