Sometimes He Doesn't Need Midgets

Electroshock is Green Tea for the Soul

As a connoisseur of journalism, I spend much of my time reading nonsense. With that in mind, you should probably check out what is my new most favoritest news story ever. It is such a good story, my superlatives got away from me there.

I think I enjoy this story so much because of certain phrases I refer to as flags. Flags are words that help you skim through news stories because you already know what the words mean, and they are words that you don't see often enough to cause you to ignore them.

Today's flags are:

• truth-serum injection
• Satan worshippers
• brainwashed
• Arkansas

Now that I review that list, I am starting to get a little bit worried. I'm almost certain that this exact thing occurred in my rejected screenplay for the next Jason Bourne movie.

Q: How Do You Get Liberal States To Turn Republican?

A: George W Bush.

This article is very intriguing, and I will be researching more when I get the chance.

Hrm?

I haven't had much chance to check into this whole thing so far, but why is it that America (or anyone else, seemingly) isn't intervening in Myanmar? Is it just a followup to the complete void that is Darfur aid, that Bush will gleefully attack who he always wanted to attack before he was even president, but when a situation arises in which it probably WOULD be prudent to do at least SOMETHING, he washes his hands before they even get dirty?

This is partly sarcastic, but partly honestly me wanting some information. I don't even know where to begin to research this.

Science vs Psychosis

I was flipping through the channels and caught the Catholic channel. They were interviewing a guy who wrote a book about Catholic responses to scientific issues.
The writer was not a scientist.
All I could really watch without blood coming out of my nose was a bit about "the fallacy of the atom model." Science has determined that atoms are comprised largely of empty space. The writer's argument was that this can't be true, because you obviously can't have matter made of empty space. Obviously.
This reminds me of an event a couple months ago, in which I witnessed a Fox News segment in which they interviewed a weatherman who was giving arguments against global warming. Here, I use the word "weatherman" to differentiate from a "meteorologist."
One is a scientist. The other is a guy that comes on the news for ten minutes a day.
This would be like having a game show host talking about economics.
Stop it.

I Don't Even Play Resident Evil

But I love silly racial conflict


This is the trailer for the new Resident Evil game. You can watch it, or not.



This incarnation of the franchise takes place in Africa. Apparently, there are some people object to the idea that, were a zombie-virus outbreak occur in Africa, there would be a whole lot of African zombies.

I guess it is racist to posit that Africans live in Africa.

Personally, I see this as the exact opposite of racism. This game is truly a monolith of harmony and diversity of all peoples.

I pledge now that, regardless of your race, gender, nationality, sexual orientation or beliefs, should you become a flesh-hungry zombie, I will shoot you in the face with a shotgun until you stop moving.

I trust you'd do the same for me.

If Irony Could Be Found, It Wouldn't Be Lost On Me

Apparently, Republicans are afraid of the glowing box that makes the wrrrrrr sound and shows the naughty pictures.

I watched the Democratic YouTube debates. You know what I learned? About the same thing I learned from any other debate: Candidates hate you.

Maybe not you personally. You as an entity. Maybe you personally, I don't know, I haven't asked them. Candidates don't answer the questions you want to know about. They want to read from scripts that will appeal to "their base," whatever that actually means.

The YouTube debate wasn't really as groundbreaking as it should have been, or as revolutionary as some of the pundits might want to think. The people who took the time to create and send in videos should feel slighted. I know I do. I didn't even make a video. I tuned in as an honest-to-goodness American, and I wanted to see what any honest-to-okayness American should be entitled to. I wanted to see someone panic and flip out.

You see, the problem with the YouTube debate is the same problem we have with 'democracy.' I put that in the little quotes because, if you've forgotten your Jr. High civics, we live in a republic, not a democracy. Democracies are rather hard to keep working on a national level, since it'd be pretty hard for 300 million people to coordinate. If we truly lived in a democracy, this is how debates would go:

Citizen: "Ok, I'd like to know what you would do to lessen our reliance on foreign oil."
Candidate: "That's a great question. In order to lessen our reliance on foreign oil, I would propose ((insert program here)), along with ((insert scientific reference here)), as well as ((insert public relations campaign here))."

See, at least we'd get some semblance of an answer, and then it'd be up to us as citizens to decide whether or not we believe them, and then whether or not they can deliver on their word.

But no, this is America, and we can't do it that way. This is the way a similar scene would go:

Citizen: "Tell me, to what extent do you believe the federal government should dictate the rights of homosexuals to acquire civil unions? Should it be left up to individual states?"
Candidate: "That's a great question. Of course, the family is the basic unit of the American society, and today our families are spending entirely too much money on non-renewable resources. I am pushing for an incentive program designed to lessen our-"
Citizen: "Wh.... what are you doing?"
Candidate: "Hm? Can I finish?"
Citizen: "Finish what?"
Candidate: "Telling you about my proposal that will require us to-"
Citizen: "Stop that."
Candidate: "Stop what?"
Citizen: "I asked you about gay marriage, not energy."
Candidate: "Right, but I segued into energy. It's where all my best material is."
Citizen: "We can talk about that later. I'm talking about gay marriage. I'm talking about civil rights, here..."
Candidate: "I'm talking about... uh... our rights... in a civil framework... regarding the usage of fossil fuels and..."
Citizen: "I hate you."
Candidate: "Can I count on your vote?"

**Curtain**


I think any modern and 'new' debate system should allow Americans to get answers to the questions.

Unfortunately, it looks like the Republicans aren't going to give us another bite at the inane apple. Not most of them, anyway. "[...]the CNN team used the device of the third-party video to inject a question that would have embarrassed any anchor posing it." So it's CNN's fault? What if it had been that bastion of Fairness and Balance? I've heard people on FauxNews inject questions that would have embarrassed any rational human posing them.

They report, They decide.

So, another election cycle seems to be coming into view from the horizon, the dust cloud rising from the beat of the hooves of goose-stepping satyrs.

That metaphor really got away from me.

I guess I just expected something new this time around. I think we deserve it. Maybe at the next debates, they can have a panel of ordinary people that have buttons that are connected to electrodes that can shock the bejezuz out of someone that starts blabbering incessantly.

That'd be a hit on YouTube.

What's a President Gotta Do To Get a Blowjob?

No One Says 'Y'all'

It's hard to explain how the north is more south than the south...

In January, I moved from Central Illinois to Atlanta. One of the first things I noticed was a severe lack of Confederate flags compared to Decatur. Apparently, the south doesn't care about rising... especially before noon. Oddly, though, I have a difficult time explaining to my friends here just how "south" the north really can be. Then I found this series of videos. The characters are from Tennessee, which isn't technically much more north than here, but it should be known that I actually went to high school with people like this, and I know for a fact they swarm across Illinois like a swarm of toothless locusts.



I know that Illinois is actually a "blue state," but that's somewhat misleading. Chicago is a "blue state," Illinois is not.

I've never used Blogspot before, but Jeph makes me do things with the promise of filthy lucre and probably hookers. This whole thing is new to me, that's why this post sucks.

Next time, I'll talk about why you should be glad Jerry Falwell is dead.