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I will be posting some old essays here. Many of them I wrote back when I was doing old MLA style so there are two spaces after the periods and shit like that. That's what happens when you learn to type on an IBM. Thanks a shit ton public school. I wrote this one back in late 2000. If you've already read this then do it again. I was copletetely serious about this stuff and all things contained in this essay were well researched and based on fact. I have since lost the references page, but none of this is bullshit... I promise.
Why Things Cannot Be Solved
I figure I got a solution on how to get rid of all the homeless people in America. By my estimation, half of the homeless people in the US are drunken low lives who do not really have the right to live. The other half of this countries homeless population is just people down on their luck. People that got laid off from their job because the CEO of their company decided he wanted a new flashy sports or luxury car and decided laying off a couple hundred workers all across the US would be a quick way to raise the money. So, what do we do about this problem? We set one day aside to give every homeless person in this country of the drunken variety a bottle of heavy booze. Vodka, Everclear, Scotch, it really doesn’t matter what kind. We monitor them and make them drink the entire bottle in one sitting. Hopefully they are woozy, passed out, or maybe even if they and we are lucky, dead. Why would they being dead be luck you may ask? It is because phase two of this plan is to cook them and to force-feed them to the other half of the homeless population. Now we would have half the homeless population we did and they would be all without hunger for two to three days straight. Some skeptics out there might be questioning if this plan would really work. One major hole in my plan people might say is that you could only do it once. Not true is what I say. Ask yourselves this question. If you were forced to eat another human being don’t you think you might develop a drinking problem? I know I might. Therefore, this sets up a cycle. The next year we take all the homeless who have developed a drinking problem from having to eat another human being last year and do the same thing we did to the original drunks the previous year. Follow me on that one?
This plan would work out perfectly except for one problem, the guy who owns the Salvation Army. Many people do not know that there is a sole owner of the Salvation Army. The answer is that if there were homeless people around were no longer around the Salvation Army could not still exist. People just wouldn’t believe there was a purpose for it. The purpose of the Salvation Army is to help the homeless, right? Wrong! The vast majority of the American population thinks that it is a non-profit organization. This is not true!
Do you know the money you drop into buckets around Christmas time? The same ones held by Santas ringing bells that are outside of grocery stores. All the money that is put in to that bucket goes straight to the owner of the Salvation Army. He gets 99% of every penny, nickel, dime, etc. that goes into those buckets. The other 1% goes to the “homeless”. Who are these so-called homeless people who get this 1%? They are workers of the Salvation Army who is fired because they weren’t Santa enough for the owner’s taste. They receive a check from the Salvation Army, which is part of the 1% a year before being fired from the company. People on the inside of this company call the owner of the company the President. Common name for an owner I guess. It has a double meaning though. He is the commander in chief of an army, the Salvation Army. His right hand man is called The General. I think he is like the head of a notorious Polish crime family. Anyway, this guys job is to execute anyone who may do anything that might mean the destruction of the company, i. e. me if I ever put my perfect plan into getting rid of the homeless into effect.
It kind of makes you sick just to think about it doesn’t it? I would really like to stick it to a company like that. Maybe rent a Santa Claus suit, get myself a bell, and stand outside a grocery store around December 25. I would make myself a small profit. I doubt the owner of the company would care enough to send The General after me though. The cops would come after me probably though. Not because I am impersonating a legit charitable organization, but because they’re in on it too. They know what’s going on. They need to protect the Salvation Army because it is a large corporation. That’s what America is all about anymore, is big business.
Do you honestly think they will not let women and other minorities into certain parts of, or even into to begin with, the military because of safety concerns? That just isn’t the case. The reason is your biggest money-spending consumer that buys products from mainstream corporations is a white, upper-middle class male. If you let women or such minorities do certain things when it concerns the military a white, upper-middle class male will start feeling insecure about himself. This will lead him to either one of two paths. One scenario is that he will get depressed because of his insecurity and not perform as well at his job. This results in him getting fired. Because of this, he will not have as much money to spend, and that is not a good thing for the corporations. The other scenario is the that he gets angry, gives this country the middle finger, and leaves it for, let’s say, Japan. Now over in Japan it only takes five American cents to make a pair of Nike’s and it probably only costs one American dollar to buy those shoes over there. Nike is out of $99 because the government says its okay for a woman to participate in combat when a war happens even though it is peacetime now. (Well, it was peacetime when I wrote this so don’t go getting all offended if there is a war happening when you read this.) That is why things such as world peace or an end to hunger cannot be achieved. It’s just not good for business.
Why Things Cannot Be Solved
I figure I got a solution on how to get rid of all the homeless people in America. By my estimation, half of the homeless people in the US are drunken low lives who do not really have the right to live. The other half of this countries homeless population is just people down on their luck. People that got laid off from their job because the CEO of their company decided he wanted a new flashy sports or luxury car and decided laying off a couple hundred workers all across the US would be a quick way to raise the money. So, what do we do about this problem? We set one day aside to give every homeless person in this country of the drunken variety a bottle of heavy booze. Vodka, Everclear, Scotch, it really doesn’t matter what kind. We monitor them and make them drink the entire bottle in one sitting. Hopefully they are woozy, passed out, or maybe even if they and we are lucky, dead. Why would they being dead be luck you may ask? It is because phase two of this plan is to cook them and to force-feed them to the other half of the homeless population. Now we would have half the homeless population we did and they would be all without hunger for two to three days straight. Some skeptics out there might be questioning if this plan would really work. One major hole in my plan people might say is that you could only do it once. Not true is what I say. Ask yourselves this question. If you were forced to eat another human being don’t you think you might develop a drinking problem? I know I might. Therefore, this sets up a cycle. The next year we take all the homeless who have developed a drinking problem from having to eat another human being last year and do the same thing we did to the original drunks the previous year. Follow me on that one?
This plan would work out perfectly except for one problem, the guy who owns the Salvation Army. Many people do not know that there is a sole owner of the Salvation Army. The answer is that if there were homeless people around were no longer around the Salvation Army could not still exist. People just wouldn’t believe there was a purpose for it. The purpose of the Salvation Army is to help the homeless, right? Wrong! The vast majority of the American population thinks that it is a non-profit organization. This is not true!
Do you know the money you drop into buckets around Christmas time? The same ones held by Santas ringing bells that are outside of grocery stores. All the money that is put in to that bucket goes straight to the owner of the Salvation Army. He gets 99% of every penny, nickel, dime, etc. that goes into those buckets. The other 1% goes to the “homeless”. Who are these so-called homeless people who get this 1%? They are workers of the Salvation Army who is fired because they weren’t Santa enough for the owner’s taste. They receive a check from the Salvation Army, which is part of the 1% a year before being fired from the company. People on the inside of this company call the owner of the company the President. Common name for an owner I guess. It has a double meaning though. He is the commander in chief of an army, the Salvation Army. His right hand man is called The General. I think he is like the head of a notorious Polish crime family. Anyway, this guys job is to execute anyone who may do anything that might mean the destruction of the company, i. e. me if I ever put my perfect plan into getting rid of the homeless into effect.
It kind of makes you sick just to think about it doesn’t it? I would really like to stick it to a company like that. Maybe rent a Santa Claus suit, get myself a bell, and stand outside a grocery store around December 25. I would make myself a small profit. I doubt the owner of the company would care enough to send The General after me though. The cops would come after me probably though. Not because I am impersonating a legit charitable organization, but because they’re in on it too. They know what’s going on. They need to protect the Salvation Army because it is a large corporation. That’s what America is all about anymore, is big business.
Do you honestly think they will not let women and other minorities into certain parts of, or even into to begin with, the military because of safety concerns? That just isn’t the case. The reason is your biggest money-spending consumer that buys products from mainstream corporations is a white, upper-middle class male. If you let women or such minorities do certain things when it concerns the military a white, upper-middle class male will start feeling insecure about himself. This will lead him to either one of two paths. One scenario is that he will get depressed because of his insecurity and not perform as well at his job. This results in him getting fired. Because of this, he will not have as much money to spend, and that is not a good thing for the corporations. The other scenario is the that he gets angry, gives this country the middle finger, and leaves it for, let’s say, Japan. Now over in Japan it only takes five American cents to make a pair of Nike’s and it probably only costs one American dollar to buy those shoes over there. Nike is out of $99 because the government says its okay for a woman to participate in combat when a war happens even though it is peacetime now. (Well, it was peacetime when I wrote this so don’t go getting all offended if there is a war happening when you read this.) That is why things such as world peace or an end to hunger cannot be achieved. It’s just not good for business.
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