Heavyweight Champion of the Dorks!

Okay, so while I enjoy such things as role playing games, comic books, and other such things I have no where near the proficiency or knowledge of those things to be called an Über geek. So, besides my chronic virginity and still living at the house I grew up with what makes me think I am a bigger dork than most people in the country. I participate in a hobby know as e-wrestling or fantasy wrestling.

It is not like fantasy football where you pick real people that you expect to win. Oh no, you create your own wrestler or character. My character is a superhero type based off a They Might Be Giants song named Particle Man. He is very small. His large sidekick/manager is Universe Man. He is a huge, hairy fellow who dresses in a bondage mask and leather speedo. After you create your character and get accepted to a “federation” or “company” you compete in matches. The way you win matches is by writing role plays or promotional interviews saying how you are better than your opponent and expounding on your characters background or current story or angle he is involved in. To the average professional wrestling fan that I have talked to this hobby sounds asinine and pointless. Of course, the average wrestling fan seems to think reading or writing in your spare time is both asinine and pointless. To the non-fan I can only imagine how ridiculous they think this hobby is. I mean think about it for a second. You are pretending to be someone that is pretending to fight. There are several rules to writing these role plays. One is not to use your opponent in the role play without their permission. Then “owner” of the “company” that you “wrestle” in decides who wins the matches based on your interviews. After he chooses who wins then he writes a wrestling match and posts it on his website.

Prizes for winning matches, besides bragging rights, are title belts. Not real titles mind you, but just the agreement with your peers that you are a champion in the “company” that you belong to. I have won multiple tag belts, a few secondary singles titles, and held the main title for one “company” I was with. Not one of them has meant a shit to me. There are people who are bigger dorks than me. People who think this shit actually matters. People like the player, a person I had just become aware of mind you, who told me he was an “e-wrestling” legend. I have heard of cases where fucking marriages end over e-wrestling. Honest to Christ, if you participate in e-wrestling and are lucky enough to have someone who will have sex with you just quit. To a lesser extent there is a lot of lying, backstabbing, and other underhanded behavior going on this hobby on many players quest to be the best. I find this quest to be ridiculous at best. There is a difference between the best Monopoly player in the world and the best fantasy wrestling in the world. Normal people will actually give a shit if you’re good at Monopoly.

I was quite proud of myself when I pretty much stopped participating in this hobby before the age of nineteen and before age twenty I thought I had quit permanently. Then cut to earlier this year. I finally caved in and accepted that I was living with my mother. You have to understand she’s not home but two days of the week and I only pay for utilities, so it’s a pretty sweet deal. I mean, I’m not going to get an apartment unless it’s in a different city than the one I am currently living in. That’s how I keep on justifying it anyway. Add the adjective spineless to modify the word dork, because that’s indeed what I am.

Before I even started paying for the internet, because I was leaching off of someone else’s connection, my online friends from my past started slowly coaxing me back into the fake, fake sport of fantasy wrestling. I have committed to continue this hobby to the end of December. I sort of enjoy doing this as it forces me to write, but no matter how victories I rack up between now and Christmas I will still feel like a loser.

Now, here is a supplemental extra to the essay above. I have many wrestling promotional interview (promo) including one with a Satanic Easter bunny with a giant Chocolate Jesus. My last promo I was preparing to face off against a tag team called the Sex Symbols. Don’t be surprised when you are confused. Just try to enjoy the non-wrestling related dick jokes. Here is the last wrestling promo I wrote:

(The scene star wipes in. Particle Man is sitting his chair and Universe Man is sitting on his couch. Both are watching apparently watching Tex Avery cartoons as evidenced by the slapsticky sounds coming from the TV. The get a knock on the door and Particle Man leaps up. It is the familiar BACW cameraman, but this time he is accompanied by a young male production assistant. The PA holds a DVD in his hand. Particle Man looks at his disheartened face and sees several mushroom shaped welts and bruises covering the young man’s visage.)

Particle Man: Moses on the mountain! You don’t look so good there young man. What happened to you?

PA: Well, I was walking home from O’Mickey’s Irish Pub the other night. I had only drank a couple of beers—

Particle Man: Meaning two or meaning ten?

PA: I only had two pints I swear. Anyway, I was walking back to my loft and they surrounded me. A few days later they sent me this DVD in the mail. I showed it to the offices of BACW and a few of the wrestlers, but they just laughed and called me names. You’re my last resort Particle Man. I didn’t want to bother you, but I think I need a hero to protect me.

Particle Man: You say they attacked you. Who are they? Was is it the Sex Symbols?

PA: I don’t think it was the Sex Symbols. It was a group of five guys. They were all average sized guys wearing brown and flesh covered robes with cowls that covered there face. They assaulted me with the most absurd weapons, but there were enough of them to do quite a job on me. Look on the marks they left on my face. To tell you the truth I thought I had dreamed the whole thing even with the bruises on my face, but then they sent the video.

Particle Man: What was this absurd weapon or weapons they attacked you with citizen?

PA: Well, they circled me and beat the crap out of me with dildos.

Particle Man: What?!

(Universe Man starts to involuntarily giggle.)

Particle Man: Unholy plastic, prosthetic, phalluses you have got to be kidding me. I mean, I have encountered some weird cases in my day, but this one takes the cake.

Universe Man: Where cake? There going to be cake served today?

Particle Man: If this young man is telling the truth the only thing that is going to be served today is a big bowl of justice Universe Man. So what all this about this video Production Assistant?

PA: My name is Phi--

Particle Man: No need to reveal your secret identity.

PA: Well, it’s very cryptic. Why don’t we just watch it?

(Particle Man takes the DVD from the young PA and they watch it. A figure obfuscated by the shadows speaks in a disguised voice.)

Shadowy figure: I had my minions attack an employee of your company Mr. Batee. There will be more attacks. They will be increasingly more severe based on the position and amount of power the victim holds in your company. I am going to take over your company from the bottom up and rule the wrestling world. I will use the program to subtly indoctrinate the masses so the whole country will worship me for the god that I am. If anyone one of the athletes in BACW thinks they can stop me then they can suffer the same fate as the lowly production assistant by going to the same spot that we pummeled him at midnight any day of the week. Until then, my loyal followers will just have to convert or dispose of any other non-believer that wanders by.

(The video goes to black.)

PA: So do you guys think you can help me?

Universe Man: Yea yea yeah! It’s on like a pot of neck bone.

Particle Man: Sho ya right Universe Man and dat’s the tru-fus, Rufus!

PA: What?

Particle Man: We will put this genital genocide of BACW to a stop citizen PA.

PA: Killer!…

…

(Later that night in spot that the PA directed our heroes too the masked avengers wait bathed in the light of street lamps eagerly awaiting battle. A camera man hides in a nearby alley to catch any potential action… suddenly the two BACW stars are surrounded by eight minions mentioned by the PA. As the PA had told them they are armed with dildos.)

Minions in unison: Bow down and worship our master or we shall leave you dead in the streets! Either way you will be coming back to his temple.

(Universe Man drops to one knee and begins to tremble.)

Minion: A wise decision Universe Man.

Particle Man: He’s not worshipping your master. He’s laughing at your demands you dolt!

(Universe Man drops to the ground and starts laughing hysterically. The minions take advantage of him being down and start pelting him with the plastic pricks. Universe Man stops laughing. The camera man cuts to a near by dumpster when you predicts what is going to happen. Two by two all eight men go flying through the air and into the dumpster. Another figure emerges from the shadows. It is a Chinese man with giant double donga. He twirls it around like he is quite proficient in using it during combat.)

Chinese Man: You have disgraced my ancient fertility religion and now you must die. Hiyaaaa!

(Particle Man and the man with the double donga spring into action. The Chinese Man swings at the gut of Particle Man and our hero hits asphalt. Universe Man goes to console his boss.)

Particle Man: It is okay Universe Man. Connie Dong is going down. All the way down to China town, baby.

(Particle Man kips up. He charges the minion and slides in between the Chinese man’s legs. He grabs both ends of the double donga and ties it around the phallus worshipper’s neck. Still holding onto the penile bow staff tied around the minion’s neck Particle Man delivers a devastating double knee back breaker. Particle Man somersaults backwards to his feet and Universe Man holds the minion down.)

Particle Man: Now are you going to tell us where your master is or am I going to have to let my friend here turn your face into Chop Suey?

…

…

(The BACW cameraman sneaks into the location given by the minion wearing one of the robes he stole from the men in the dumpster. He has a small handheld camera he uses to capture the action. The temple is lush and decorated in a vaguely Eastern style. There are three steps leading up to a throne. The throne is turned around on a swivel so the man sitting in it can not be seen. On both sides of the throne two monolithic stone phalluses are erected. Two dozen robed minions bow to the throne in a pit below the stairs… Then a large crash as the dynamic duo of BACW bursts through the door. A voice calls out from the throne in an unknown language.)

Particle Man: Now Universe Man! Now!

(The camera man quickly tosses off his robe. Universe Man pulls three pellets out of his trunks and throws them to the ground. The pellets explode and smoke fills the room. The sounds of combat can be heard through the fog after the two heroes rush in. Minutes later the smoke clears and Universe Man throws the final body on the pile that Particle Man stands atop of. Particle Man poses and calls out the man on the throne.)

Particle Man: Give up now or go down like all of your minions.

(The throne turns around. A man in what can only be described as a giant dick costume stands up.)

Villain: You had no problems with my followers, but I do not fall so easily. You were supposed to do battle with a team known as The Sex Symbols, but you won’t make it that far for tonight you face the only Sex Symbol that matters. You face the man god! You face… The Dickhead!

Universe Man: Oh, so that why his head look like Darth Vader helmet in shadows.

(The Dickhead waddles up to Universe Man and sissy slaps him on the arm. Universe Man pushes The Dickhead to the ground. The Dickhead rolls around on the ground like a turtle. Universe Man also falls to the ground because he is laughing so hard.)

The Dickhead: When I get out of this suit you’re next Particle Man.

Particle Man: A rather unconventional way of disposing of my sidekick, but it worked. Your mere absurdity took my friend out of commission.

(The Dickhead rolls out of the giant dick costume. He is still wearing a dick helmet, but on his body he a flesh colored spandex body suit. He runs to one of the statues behind his throne and tosses Particle Man a sword. The Dickhead then goes the statue on his right and gets out what appears to be a two foot long vibrator. The Dickhead presses a button on the vibrator and metal spikes pop out. He then turns a knob at the bottom of it and it the weapon begins to vibrate making a whirring sound not unlike a light saber.)

The Dickhead: On guard!

Particle Man: Touche’, douche!

(The villain runs straight towards our hero. Particle tosses his sword aside. The Dickhead swings his giant spiked sex toy at Particle Man, but the masked man just steps aside and executes a drop toe hold. The Dickhead falls atop his own vile creation and begins to shake violently as the spikes penetrate his chest. Particle Man comes to the rescue of The Dickhead before he is fatally wounded. Particle Man helps the villain to his feet. Universe Man gets up as well and pulls some handcuffs out of his trunks. With the villain cuffed the heroes head out the door. The cameraman walks with them.)

Particle Man: We’ll just leave this villain in a phone booth for the authorities to pick up. He was a formidable opponent, if not in combat but in his ability to attract followers to do his bidding. We have defeated this walking sex symbol fairly easily. I have a feeling disposing of JD Hart--

Universe Man: More like JD Fart…

Particle Man: Alright… you’ve had your fill of sophomoric humor today, chum. That’s quite enough.

Universe Man: Sorry.

Particle Man: Apology accepted… as I was saying JD and Sean Peters are certainly better at combat than this villain and his cult, but I think they should be able to dispose of just as easily. It might take a little more time, but the challenge level will be the same.

Universe Man: Of course it take more time. Me think beating up two giant dick would take twice the time as defeating one.

Particle Man: I like the logic you’re using. Well said Universe Man. Well said!

(Star wipe to black.)