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On February 16, 2007 it was reported that former world heavyweight boxing champion, Rocky Balboa was arrested while entering Australia for attempting to smuggle human growth hormone. It therefore came as no surprise last week when the World Boxing Council decided to strip Balboa of his title records for steroid use/smuggling.
The enormously hard headed (at least in the ring) Balboa refused to comment, however I was able to snag brief interviews with most that played a part in the rocky legacy. Paulie Panino for instance told me “Your lungs he’ll punch out you keep asking this (SIC) stupid questions, you scum bum!” Tony Duke, long time trainer of Balboa and builder of so called “hurtin’-bombs” has gone on record denying any involvement in the steroid scandal, going so far as to say “I thought it was all those damn eggs he drank. I mean let’s be serious, he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer and you gotta be good at something, so I figured he was good at putting on muscle. I blame that damn Russian.”
Ivan Drago refused to comment as a result of leaked footage of him injecting himself steroids, while listening to “Heart’s on Fire” by Survivor. However his ex-wife, Ludmilla Vobet (who divorced Ivan in 1985 to have a brief tryst with Balboa who promptly shut her down after learning of her intentions, she now chases one of the guys from Public Enemy and fences VCRs to feed her drug habits) insists that Drago got Rocky hooked on the juice. “At first Ivan used to just sniff creatin, but I knew once he started injecting that it was the end. I knew your Italian Stallion would defeat him. Those steroids do nasty things to you. After their fight they made peace and Ivan showed Rocky the beauty of injecting…the sex was never the same.”
Figuring Balboa’s former protégée would know more, I tracked down Tommy Gunn, who you will remember won the title from Union Cane in a much over-hyped squash match only to have the tar beat out of him outside of the Lucky 7 Tavern in Philadelphia, which was broadcast on local cable television and was memorable as it was the first street fight in the history of the world to be broadcast live and not be stopped by the police. In fact, they formed a barrier! Now THAT’S what I call respect.
The World did not hear much from Gunn after Rocky trounced him. Evidentially he tested positive for HIV just after this bar brawl and until just last winter was still HIV positive and prevented from boxing. Currently he blames Balboa’s drug problem. “You know that sucker was injecting! He was sharing needles! I had no clue at the time! He was HIV positive when we fought and I got it from his blood! But since he’s too dumb to know he’s in trouble and too tough to ever be sick, he never had any symptoms!” In fact when Balboa was given his physical before his final bought with Mason “The Line” Dixon (a name only slightly less racist than the #2 contender Jim “The Law” Crow) he was given a clean bill of health.
But a clean bill of health is all this widower, restaurant owner father of one, celebrity will have now that the WBC has stricken his two title reigns from the record. As for the legions of adoring, inspired Rocky fans (I am one, admit it you are too), we must do as we’ve always done. Follow the only clear path of truth and justice, that being the path that our God, Balboa, has outlined for us. No longer do we need to drink raw eggs, run like hell, attempt 400 lbs. squats and 350 lbs. bench presses. Now we can just shoot up. So who’s got the gear?
The enormously hard headed (at least in the ring) Balboa refused to comment, however I was able to snag brief interviews with most that played a part in the rocky legacy. Paulie Panino for instance told me “Your lungs he’ll punch out you keep asking this (SIC) stupid questions, you scum bum!” Tony Duke, long time trainer of Balboa and builder of so called “hurtin’-bombs” has gone on record denying any involvement in the steroid scandal, going so far as to say “I thought it was all those damn eggs he drank. I mean let’s be serious, he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer and you gotta be good at something, so I figured he was good at putting on muscle. I blame that damn Russian.”
Ivan Drago refused to comment as a result of leaked footage of him injecting himself steroids, while listening to “Heart’s on Fire” by Survivor. However his ex-wife, Ludmilla Vobet (who divorced Ivan in 1985 to have a brief tryst with Balboa who promptly shut her down after learning of her intentions, she now chases one of the guys from Public Enemy and fences VCRs to feed her drug habits) insists that Drago got Rocky hooked on the juice. “At first Ivan used to just sniff creatin, but I knew once he started injecting that it was the end. I knew your Italian Stallion would defeat him. Those steroids do nasty things to you. After their fight they made peace and Ivan showed Rocky the beauty of injecting…the sex was never the same.”
Figuring Balboa’s former protégée would know more, I tracked down Tommy Gunn, who you will remember won the title from Union Cane in a much over-hyped squash match only to have the tar beat out of him outside of the Lucky 7 Tavern in Philadelphia, which was broadcast on local cable television and was memorable as it was the first street fight in the history of the world to be broadcast live and not be stopped by the police. In fact, they formed a barrier! Now THAT’S what I call respect.
The World did not hear much from Gunn after Rocky trounced him. Evidentially he tested positive for HIV just after this bar brawl and until just last winter was still HIV positive and prevented from boxing. Currently he blames Balboa’s drug problem. “You know that sucker was injecting! He was sharing needles! I had no clue at the time! He was HIV positive when we fought and I got it from his blood! But since he’s too dumb to know he’s in trouble and too tough to ever be sick, he never had any symptoms!” In fact when Balboa was given his physical before his final bought with Mason “The Line” Dixon (a name only slightly less racist than the #2 contender Jim “The Law” Crow) he was given a clean bill of health.
But a clean bill of health is all this widower, restaurant owner father of one, celebrity will have now that the WBC has stricken his two title reigns from the record. As for the legions of adoring, inspired Rocky fans (I am one, admit it you are too), we must do as we’ve always done. Follow the only clear path of truth and justice, that being the path that our God, Balboa, has outlined for us. No longer do we need to drink raw eggs, run like hell, attempt 400 lbs. squats and 350 lbs. bench presses. Now we can just shoot up. So who’s got the gear?
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