Why do strangers keep shoving money at you?

I know, I KNOW, we're not supposed to judge or stereotype our fellow man, but that's some seriously counter-intuitive shit. We can't help it, our brains are designed to categorize. When we come into contact with other human beings, we immediately assess them based on what we can ostensibly garner. These observations may very well turn out to be entirely false, but we make them just the same. We need to contextualize each other in order make sense of the world, and anytime someone jams our radar, it nags at us. There are certain groups of people who are especially perplexing, who give me serious pause while deciding how to categorize them. Every time I step out in public, I'm faced with several conundrums.

1. Pregnant vs. Lopsidedly fat: This is the most common offense, and it's a risky mistake to make. If a woman is pregnant, it would seem almost rude not to congratulate her on her impending motherhood, on the other hand, if I say fucking "Mozel tov!" to a woman who is not pregnant, there's a good chance a) she's going to go home and cry or b) she's going to beat the living shit out of me with her purse.

2. Gay vs. European: I know what you're thinking, what's the difference, right? I guess in Europe, the metrosexual thing is tres chic, but here in the good ol' U.S. of A., it kinda just makes you seem gay (or at least open to experimentation). The only real danger in fucking this up is that it's kind of bewildering to have to ask myself, "Is this dude being so nice to me becaust he wants to be my shopping buddy or my fuck buddy?"

3. Hippie who hasn't showered in a month vs. Actual homeless person: First of all, I'm not in any way shape or form a proponent of bathing strikes. There are more proactive ways to free Tibet. Sure, sometimes when you're in a really degenerate mood, 48-hours could theoretically go by, but at the end of those two days, any normal person is going to be fucking disgusted with themselves, bite the bullet, strip down and soap up. Aside from that, shame on you for impersonating someone less fortunate than yourself. There are tons of people in this country who are actually homeless and rely on the charity of passers-by. I fucking hate when I go up to bedraggled looking stranger, sitting on the sidewalk downtown and offer him half a pizza only to discover that he's just waiting for his friends to show up for their mid-afternoon hackey-sack game.

There are clearly a lot of instances where not being able to make initial assumptions could really hinder social interaction. What if I mistake an actual nerd for a hipster-douche trying to be ironic? What if I mistake the hypochondriac who lives across the hall for a fellow Jew? What if I mistake the guy having a seizure and vomiting uncontrollably for just another drunk asshole? Seriously, stop letting the lines blur! If people don't start observing the confines of their stereotypes more strictly, things could get dangerous.