I am owed a future . . . THE future

Remember what we thought the future would be like? Teleporters, flying cars, laser guns, and robo-whores for everyone. Well, I feel slighted by the future. I feel as though I was promised these things as a young child and am now being deprived of them with every passing day. I ask you, where is my hover-board?

Here we are, well into the 21st century and things really aren't that much better than they were in 1986. I'd even be happier if we had a combination of the kick ass technology and the flip side of the future coin: the oppression of an authoritarian government engaged in mind control, drugging the water supply, hauling away dissidents with secret police and so on and so forth. All that bullshit would be totally worth it if I could just have a flying car. Also, Bush is really close to getting there, so I feel at the very least I deserve x-ray glasses or a laser gun.

But maybe that better tomorrow isn't so far away. Remember all the old sci-fi shows? Or Star Trek? Or Star Trek: The Next Generation? Or Star Trek: Insert Subtitle? Well I don't, but I have a composite sketch in my mind of what they said the future would be like. And I know they all had that one little gadget that could do everything. Well that little miracle may finally be here. I have seen the future, and I'm not talking about high def pornography. I can begin to taste it. And it tastes sweeter than a Charleston Chew wrapped in a Fruit Roll-Up dipped in frosting.

That's right, the future is upon us. Looming like a child molestor on school property, but different, because it doesn't give you the heeby jeebies. It gives you a feeling that all that badass stuff you thought would be around by the time you were 25, may finally be around by the time you're 45.

If you haven't figured it out yet I'm talking about the iPhone. If you haven't heard of an iPhone yet you can just go ahead and keep dragging your knuckles on the ground. Because if you're not making your wireless calls on an iPhone, you may as well be beating two rocks together trying to call China. I thought my iPod was the greatest invention ever. And it still is, but the iPhone is an iPod . . . and so much more!!! If there is anything it can't do, I'm not aware of it.

So now you may be saying, "Peter, this does sound like a wonderous invention, surely you must have one." No, I don't have one for any of the following reasons.

-They haven't been released yet.
-I don't have fat stacks to drop on a phone (not just a phone)
-I'm not dumb enough to buy 1st generation of any new technology.
-I don't need all of that stuff (stuff ?!?!?!? It's got a 2.0 megapixel camera, it can play music, movies, it has a 3.5 inch touch screen, full internet, e-mail, and automatic asswiper. And unlike most technology, it is guarenteed never to go berzerk and turn on the human race) on my phone. I just need to send and receive cellular calls.
-I can only imagine with all that awesome stuff what the monthly fees would be. Probably a lot. And they probably only accept money.
-I don't yet have the means to Bedazzle it once I get one

With all that being said, I still fucking want one. However, I'm certainly not going to pay for one. Why should have to purchase something that I am owed. I was promised a future of nifty gadgets, devices and modes of transport. And where are they? Nowhere to be found. But now we have hope, a glimmer, a twinkle in our eye. And I fucking WANT it.

So, because we all expected a future of magnificent wonder that was never fulfilled, I think Steve Jobs should give everyone in America (in my dream future all the other countries with the brown people are extinct) a !FREE! iPhone. Why? Because someone owes me a goddamn proper year 2000. It may be seven years late . . . but I'll take it.